


The Trees Say Fuck You

by thesaltydragon, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan is um, M/M, a lorax, but you guys know that by now, this is crack written seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 04:04:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14662917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltydragon/pseuds/thesaltydragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Hhh Evan’s a Lorax and Jared cuts his babies down





	The Trees Say Fuck You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anxious_lil_bean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxious_lil_bean/gifts).



Jared had been prepared for many thing when he set out to start a life for himself. He expected to struggle, to have to work hard, to fail more than a few times- He was prepared to deal with these things. One thing he had not been prepared for, however, was when some random guy came up to him claiming to 'speak for the trees’.

Evan glared at the man in front of him. “Are you even listening to me?” he spat. 

Jared blinked. “Huh?”

“You haven’t heard a thing I’ve told you, have you?” Evan groaned. “Stop cutting these trees down!” 

Jared nodded understandingly. “Yeah, no.”

“No? _No?_ ” Evan was getting increasingly angry. “What do you mean no?! I speak for the trees, and the trees say stop!”

Jared scoffed, leaning on his axe. “Well I can't hear the trees, so… y’know. No.”

“I can hear every scream you cause, you jerk! Just stop! What do you need them for anyway?”

Jared grimaced. “To survive?”

Evan nearly shouted. “They need to survive too!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “How do I know you aren’t just some crazy hippie?”

“Did you not see the literal magic I just pulled popping out of that tree stump?!” 

“You what?”

“Do you pay attention to anything?!”

“Not generally.”

“It shows. It really shows.” Evan pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“No need to be rude, Acorn.”

“I am not an acorn.”

“Sure, Tree Boy.”

“At least that’s more accurate.” Evan sighed. “Just leave these trees alone.”

“How am I supposed to live?”

“Millions of humans live without cutting a single tree down, you’ll find a way.”

Jared was starting to get frustrated. “And why, exactly, should I even listen to you? What are you gonna do if I don't stop? Beat me up?”

“You’ll be forced to see the realities of your wrongdoings. Plus, I’ll probably cry.” Evan looked down. 

Jared scoffed. “That's not very convincing.”

“I’m not the best at words, you know!” Evan groaned again. “This is usually my mom’s job.”

Jared's eyebrows quirked. “Your mom?”

“It’s complicated. We speak for the trees.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “So I hear.”

“You might hear, but you’re really not listening.”

Jared shrugged, turning away. “Nope, I’m really not.” He started walking the opposite direction.

Evan appeared again in front of him, out of another tree stump. “Stop!”

Jared jolted slightly, eyeing the boy. “No.” He turned away.

“Please?” Evan was getting desperate. 

Jared shot him an unimpressed look over his shoulder. “Why should I?”

Once again, Evan appeared from a stump in front of Jared. “Because– It’s just the right thing! You’re causing so much pain! Just stop!”

Jared grunted. “Stop doing that! Choose a stump and stay there, Acorn!”

“No! I’m not leaving you alone until you agree to stop cutting down my friends!”

Jared groaned. “What will you do for me, if I stop? I'm not going to listen to you and get nothing out of it.”

“Do something? For you?” Evan was appalled. “I dunno, maybe I’ll refrain from haunting you for eternity?”

Jared snorted. “A cute boy haunting me doesn't seem like much of a threat.”

“It’s not my fault! I can’t change my appearance!”

Jared sighed. “Can you just kill me or leave already? I have better things to do than sit here arguing.”

“Not if it stops you from cutting these innocent souls down!”

“What?”

“Arguing with me is obviously keeping you from cutting down these trees, so I’m not leaving.” Evan’s voice was determined, but held a nervous waver. 

Jared pursed his lips, eyeing Evan once again. “What exactly are you, anyway?”

Evan stood with his arms akimbo in annoyance. “I’m a tree nymph. But my mom prefers the term Lorax? I dunno why.” 

Jared huffed. “Do you only live on these stupid stumps or can you walk over here and actually try to stop me?”

Evan sighed and stepped off his third stump. “I’m free range.”

“Interesting.” Jared stepped closer, circling the stranger. “Have you told me your name yet?”

“I definitely did! It was the first thing I said! ‘I’m Evan Hansen and I speak for the trees’?”

“Hansen, huh. Strange. Didn't figure tree people needed last names.”

Evan shrugged. He wasn’t sure how much information was too much. “My dad was human.”

That one did throw Jared a bit. “How does that work?”

Evan shrugged again, a larger motion this in it. “Same parts I guess– This is getting us nowhere! Stop hurting the trees!”

Jared rolled his eyes again, tossing his axe into the ground as he further neared Evan. “Chill out,” he muttered. “I'm curious now.”

Evan recoiled slightly. “What do you mean?”

Jared hummed. “I've never seen a 'Lorax’ before. I'm interested.”

“All you need to know is that we speak for the trees and the trees say fuck you.”

Jared laughed loudly. “Damn! I guess the trees really have had enough of my shit, huh?”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!”

Jared snorted. “You don't actually seem so bad, Evan Hansen.”

“So you’ll stop!” Evan sounded relieved. 

“I'll stop if you'll go on a date with me.”

“Wh-What?” Evan blinked. Was this guy serious? 

Jared shrugged. “You heard me.”

“A _date_? With a complete ass of a human?”

Jared pouted slightly. “I'm not _that_ bad! I could've just kept cutting trees down and ignored you completely.”

“You still might,” Evan deadpanned. 

“But I haven't.”

“There’s still time.” Why was this human trying to do this?

Jared sighed, crossing his arms. “I won't, okay? I promise. I just want to talk some more, that's all.”

“With me?” Evan was still confused. 

“Yeah?”

“You just thought I was annoying not two minutes ago.”

Jared quirked an eyebrow. “Did I say you were annoying?”

“Well. You called me crazy. And rude!” Evan seemed hurt by the accusations. 

“I don’t think you’re annoying. And how was I supposed to be sure you weren’t some freaky psycho hippie?”

“Hippies don’t use real magic,” Evan stated simply. 

“Yeah, I got that.”

“They also can’t really hear the trees no matter how much meditation they try.”

Jared laughed. “You sound a little bitter.”

“I am a little bitter. They can’t just waltz in and claim to be flower children. That’s earned.” Evan crossed his arms. 

Jared smiled. “You’re cute.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, how are you?”

“A little confused.”

Jared laughed softly. “About?”

“What’s going on?”

“I'm hitting on you?” Jared shrugged.

“But you’re a tree killing jerk.”

Jared pouted. “I didn't know!”

“I’ve been telling you for twenty minutes!”

“And I haven't cut anything down since you showed up!”

“Because I’m good at my job!”

Jared sighed heavily. “Look, will you come talk with me more or not? I'm just trying to make friends at this point.”

“Fine,” Evan agreed. If it stopped this guy from hurting any more trees, he’d gladly do anything. 

Jared paused. “Are you saying that because you want to or because you think you have to?”

“I’m not sure.”

Jared nodded. “I'll take that as a good sign.” He held his hand out in offering. “Do you like smoothies?”

Evan didn’t have much experience with food. “I like marshmallows?”

Jared laughed. “Marshmallows?”

“Why not? They’re soft.”

Jared took Evan's hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “I think you'll like smoothies.”

“Are they soft too?” Evan stared at his hand. 

“They're sweet and cold.”

“Cold?” Evan made a face. 

“It's a drink, Ev.” Jared linked their fingers as he pulled Evan away from the field they were in.

Evan hadn’t been too far from his field, well, ever. This was certainly a new experience. 

Jared gave him a small reassuring smile. Maybe he could survive without cutting anymore trees down. At least he could get on the good side of this cute stranger. Jared hoped their date would go well. “So, what exactly to wood nymphs do?”

Evan finally looked up from their joined hands. “Oh, um, well, we speak for the trees. Protect them, you know?”

Jared hummed. “What does speaking to them mean, exactly, anyway?”

“They’re our friends. Like little animals, except we understand them. They talk to us and we help them.”

Jared nodded. “What do they usually need help with?”

“Not getting cut down.” Evan shot a look at Jared. 

Jared had the decency to blush. “Well it seems you're pretty good at your job then.”

“So far,” Evan added. 

“Have you done this before?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” Evan had not done this before. 

Jared squeezed Evan's hand. “I'm a curious guy.”

Evan stared down at the grass. “You might possibly be the first human I’ve spoken to since...ever.”

Jared paused. “Really?”

“Maybe?” Evan squeaked. 

Jared frowned. “Now I feel bad for being such an ass.”

“Apology accepted.”

“Really? Just like that?” Jared was astonished. No one usually forgave him that easily.

“Well, why not?” Evan tilted his head. 

“It's not usually so easy. People don't tend to forgive me for acting like a piece of shit, y’know?”

“So you usually act like that?”

“No!” Jared jolted. “I'm just- not good at first impressions.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Evan said quietly. 

Jared shrugged bashfully. “I really am sorry.”

“I already accepted it. It would really show if you stopped hurting the trees.” Evan cleared his throat. “You really owe your apology to them.”

Jared blinked. “Apologise to them? Can they even understand me if I'm not some cute tree sprite?”

Evan turned a little red at the compliment. “They know english. At least, the ones here do. Just tell them.”

Jared bit his lip, turning to the field of trees. “I'm sorry, trees.” Was that okay? Did that work?

Evan was quiet for a minute, wincing after a while. “Uh, well, they certainly appreciate your change in character, but your apology was rejected.”

Jared frowned a bit. “Ain't that just the way,” he sighed. “Damn.”

“Sorry?” Evan offered. “You did kill their family.”

Jared nodded solemnly. “Fair enough.”

“You tried. Maybe they’ll forgive you if you bring me back in one piece.” Evan smiled. 

Jared laughed, turning to the trees again. “Don't worry, I’ll have him back by 11.”

Evan hesitated. “They say 10:30.”

Jared grinned. “Deal.”

“Perfect! They’ll tell my mom where I went.” Evan grinned at him. 

Jared nodded. “Think she'll hate me as much as the trees or is she as nice as you?”

Evan gave Jared a once over. “We’ll see. Either way is possible.”

“That's fair.”

“Well, moms, you know? Nymphs aren’t that different.”

“Well, I hope I can live up the the expectations for those who are graced with a date with you.”

“You know? Me too.”


End file.
